I Owe You

Shit, dude. Look at that. Two days in a row of posting...you should be proud of me. My dear anonymous readers. How have you been? You see I can ask that question, but you cannot answer me for you are somewhere, out there, in cyberland reading my question while I, forlorn blogger, sit miles away from you asking a question to which the answer I will probably never hear. For you see, you may answer that question, out there, where you sit in front of your computer. But I, master of the keys, do not care to hear it. It was a question, thrown out among the other words on this page, left up to be as important or unimportant as you deem them to be.

But I digress.

The real reason for my posting here tonight is far deeper then you may care to read, though I promise it is better then my NYC "Alone" post or any other attempt at being deep I have had over the past month or so. At this point it is actually past my self appointed bed time (whenever that may be) so writing out this post is actually important for helping me sort out my thoughts. And I am going to do it as quickly as possible so that I may go to sleep.

So. Today. At. Work. I.

Alright, I'm over that...

Today I was going through my normal business of arriving to work, locking up my bike, checking email, going on facebook, etc etc when I was overcome by this strange feeling of loneliness. Now, I am not going to lie. This strange feeling of loneliness stemmed from a bit of stalking I did on facebook. So perhaps it was a punishment for procrastinating when I should have been getting work done. But that is besides the point. While on facebook I came across some people who I had not see or spoken to since high school. People who had remained friends all through college and were now dating, living, traveling, or working together. They all seemed to be spreading their wings while maintaining close friendships. Seeing the world while being missed from home. And I miss that. I miss knowing people for years upon years in high school. Most of the people I had been friends with I have lost touch with in the years since college. I could probably count the number of people I am still in touch with on one, maybe two, hands. And this is not to say that those people I remain in touch with are sub par. Far from it, actually. In fact, the topic of straying from friends is not even what I wanted to address in this blog post. So let me get back to that...

Seeing what my friends from college were doing left me with this strange feeling of loneliness. But more then that. It was a feeling I could not place. It left me easily irritated and confused. I even teared up a bit. So not the usual me. I was left with this somewhat sour and irritated feeling nearly all day. I tried to laugh past it, as I do in most situations. I even tried to talk about it only to find that I had no idea what I was trying to say nor describe how I felt. It was not until I got home and was sitting with my roommates that I realized...I was trapped. It was a feeling of loneliness because I felt that I was stuck. Don't get me wrong. I love my life as an AmeriCorps VISTA. I love the people I've met and the place I work. I love my roommates and my apartment. However, I am trapped. Now let me tell you why I feel this way. I am trapped because this is not a place I pictured myself at the age of 22. To be honest, I never really pictured myself anywhere at 22...too many preconceptions and expectations come with that. But I definitely did not picture myself in a 9 to 5 job wearing professional clothes everyday and attending Professional Development Opportunities on public speaking and attending bi-weekly staff meetings. This is entirely too structured for a 22 year old like myself. Granted, I understand that this year will benefit me in my future. The issue is that at 22 I don't want to think about my future. I have been thinking about my future since I was in elementary school. And for once in my life I want to live in the now. I want to be as free as I can be in this point in my life before it become necessary for me to settle down and find a real job. I want to explore the world. I want to road trip across the United States and sleep in fields. I want to find odd jobs working at farms and in basements. I want to fix up a house. I want to do illegal things and not get caught. I want to run away from the police. I want to get mugged in another country. I want to fail at speaking a different language. I want to get fucked up and attend music festivals and not brush my hair and go weeks without showering. I want to get a tattoo and get piercings. I want to get lost and then find myself again. I want to live without rules and without expectations and without needs. I want tattered clothes that mean the world to me and and I want to live out of a back pack. I just want to live. Without being told how.

At 22 I want to be care free and free. The next time I will be a double number is when I am 33 and at that age I suppose I will have to have a real career, a home, and a family. But at 22 I don't need to have anything. And that is what I want. I want nothing. I just want to be.

I suppose I will get through this year. No. I don't suppose it, I know it. Because I have made a commitment and commitments I do not back up on. But I hope that maybe when I am 23 I can do these things. I can just be and just live and just do.

Til then don't be surprised if I attempt small random acts of rebellion or attempts at achieving this way of just being. For example: a nose or lip ring. Probably not acceptable at work, but what are they going to do? Fire me? Hell no. I'll just put a band aid on it or something. Maybe this weekend. I would also like to bike to Canada. Sometime...maybe over a vacation? I would also like to plan a road trip. Complete with sleeping backs and road map.

If you, anonymous reader, have any suggestions or would like to meet me somewhere along my journey, please make your desires known. For I would love company on my path of rebellion. Til then I suppose I will continue to fake it until I make it and hope that out of that I will be able to free myself. But for now I should go to sleep. Because I suppose it will be difficult to free myself when I lack sleep. I am sorry I do not have a quote to depart you with, but we'll leave it at an IOY.

Later, homes.